Gendered Dancing : Part I

Posted: December 19, 2008 in Uncategorized

This is a fun outfit. It is more glam than drag. I like the look, but I feel that I am treated as a guy in this outfit. It is not out enough for me. I will play with it some more though. It will be interesting to mix it with more intense eyeliner and earrings.

I used to go dancing a lot in boy drag. When I go dancing I just go to dance and I especially like dancing with the other good dancers who are mostly women. I would end up dancing on my own though because women almost always assumed I was hitting on them if I wanted to dance. The responses would vary from rejection to wary acceptance to flirty interaction if they thought I was coming on to them and they liked. Really all I wanted to do was to dance and not to have to dance alone all the time. Sometimes the rejection would be rude. The body language would be “You fucking man, leave me alone I am just trying to dance.” Depending on my state of mind that was sometimes devastating. The irony is that I was there to do the same thing. You might be thinking “Maybe she just wanted to dance alone.” True, but usually they would flit in and out of interaction with other girls on the floor most of whom they do not seem to know either. So, it is not that they just wanted to dance alone or that they want to dance with people they know, the implicit rule was that they wanted to dance with other women. As a femme man that made me feel horrible, always the outsider at the party.
Girls dance with each other on the dance floor with no problem but male strangers are not trustworthy on the dancefloor unless you want to flirt. It felt lonely. For the year before my transition I went dancing two or three times a week. most of those times I danced alone all night, and went home feeling sad and lonely. During a few periods I had dance buddies to dance with, but when we went out they would often hook up with some guy and I would be on my own again. Alternatively, it turned out that they wanted to hook up and that got sticky too.
I just longed to dance with the other girls, the groups of three or four friends who would dance together all night in a little clump. I tried to engage them sometimes, but somehow their perception of me or my gender always created tension. They understood me as trying to pick up one of them. Somehow, a male that just wanted to dance with them with no agenda was too out of type.
This is the loneliness of being in-the-closet as a male femme. Gender patterns so many social interactions. I was not communicating the right gender and the reactions that my male-butch gender produced were just not right for me. I felt like a woman, but I was not welcome in the community of women.

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