Jasper : Gendered Dancing Part II

Posted: December 20, 2008 in Uncategorized

I am playing with the leggings and legwarmers look. This is one of my faves.
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In my last post I started exploring my experiences with gender and dance. When presenting as male-butch or male-androgynous I found it difficult to make dance friends with women. I found this painful and isolating.
I felt that the interaction was strongly coded by the fact that I was born with a cock. I was handled as a male rather than a person. I recall a few times when you could perceive a geometry of gender on the dancefloor. It was an Anon Salon party. The best dancers (as usual it was all girls) had coalesced into a loose conglomeration, sometimes a circle sometimes a line. The dancers would flit in and out of the group but there was kind of invisible energetic social membrane defining the group. A couple of girls figured out that I was just a dancer and they would include me in the games. Somehow though the center of gravity, the membrane kept shifting away from me. I could dance with a single girl but enough of the others would move away, that I was never part of the group. I kept finding the group shifting and I was on the outside. I was a foreign body. I felt like a plague carrier. Every time it would happen it felt like a little needle going into my heart, but I did not cry, I put on a brave face and tried to look like I was having fun. As so often before I saved face by dancing with myself for a while and then riding my scooter home with a hole in my heart.
As I write this I find myself crying trying not to smear my eyeliner. I wish I could have cried then but I did not know how.

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