Jasper: Dec 8

Posted: December 21, 2008 in Uncategorized

Lisa too this outside of Atlas Cafe. I love the tights and warmers. Both of them are from H&M. The coat is one of my prized possessions. I thrifted it for $30 and it has been with me through both of my trips to Burning Man.
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I wept while I wrote my last post. Now that I have remembered how to cry, sometimes I weep for times that I could not when I was a boy. I rarely cried even as a child. I never learned how and later it became important not to. That was when I saw how boys who cried were treated by the little butch boys. Crybabies were isolated and mercilessly picked upon.
One day a couple of weeks after I came out. I just started to weep. I felt alone and scared. I held my emotions inside like I always had. I felt dead inside. Then, suddenly the dead spot blossomed into raw emotion and I started to weep. Afterwords I felt raw and vulnerable, and comforted. Now when things get hard I cry and this has changed me.I feel like an emotional armor has dissolved.
It is feels like I reconfigured energetically and emotionally after coming out as a trans woman and learning to accept grief. It makes sense in a way. Grief in necessary for release. It is as though circulation were blocked. I walled them off. Now I grieve. I grieve for a life of gender dissonance. I grieve for all the lost time, and I am finally healing.

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