Jasper at the Coffee Bar
www.jasperswardrobe.com for more blog posts on gender and fashion.
December 11, 2008
I love the color play in this outfit.
Auburn hat : thrifted
teal scarf: thrifted
hot pink fleece : Old Navy
lavender hotpants : American Apparel
purple tights : Forever 21
plum leg warmers : H & M
Gender transition is a confusing process for me. I have long periods of movement towards femme. Then suddenly I find myself in a period of retrenchment. I am at war with myself. I have been going to parties in femme or high femme and I have felt completely accepted, more accepted than I ever felt in butch. I feel euphoria. Then the next morning I wake up and face the prospect of going out in the world and I get deeply depressed.
I desperately want to go out in high femme. I want to express myself. I want the people I interact with to know that I am a girl, yet the prospect fills me with anxiety and despair.
For the past three days I have found myself in front of the mirror waffling between femme and butch. Femme does not feel safe when I am vulnerable, but dressing butch feels like a self betrayal. The discrepancy between the euphoria of being high femme in safe spaces and dressing more butch in daily life is too great. Paradoxically, when I break though a new barrier of self-expression and feel greater acceptance of femininity, it is followed by deeper despair, because I want to be femme all of the time. Going back and forth is heart wrenching.
In the past, the solution has been to push through, to embrace femme and to come out more fully. But, it is hard to always bring up the strength, to take pride in my gender otherness. It is like swimming upstream. If I relax and stop struggling I am swept back into boyness. I get so tired sometimes.