#1 Transitioning To Femme…

Posted: January 24, 2010 in Autogynephilia 2008


Jasper at the Coffee Bar

www.jasperswardrobe.com for more blog posts on gender and fashion.

December 11, 2008

I love the color play in this outfit.
Auburn hat : thrifted
teal scarf: thrifted
hot pink fleece : Old Navy
lavender hotpants : American Apparel
purple tights : Forever 21
plum leg warmers : H & M
————————-
Gender transition is a confusing process for me. I have long periods of movement towards femme. Then suddenly I find myself in a period of retrenchment. I am at war with myself. I have been going to parties in femme or high femme and I have felt completely accepted, more accepted than I ever felt in butch. I feel euphoria. Then the next morning I wake up and face the prospect of going out in the world and I get deeply depressed.
I desperately want to go out in high femme. I want to express myself. I want the people I interact with to know that I am a girl, yet the prospect fills me with anxiety and despair.
For the past three days I have found myself in front of the mirror waffling between femme and butch. Femme does not feel safe when I am vulnerable, but dressing butch feels like a self betrayal. The discrepancy between the euphoria of being high femme in safe spaces and dressing more butch in daily life is too great. Paradoxically, when I break though a new barrier of self-expression and feel greater acceptance of femininity, it is followed by deeper despair, because I want to be femme all of the time. Going back and forth is heart wrenching.
In the past, the solution has been to push through, to embrace femme and to come out more fully. But, it is hard to always bring up the strength, to take pride in my gender otherness. It is like swimming upstream. If I relax and stop struggling I am swept back into boyness. I get so tired sometimes.

Comments from Photo @Flickr

view profile

American Apparel says:

Hi, I’m an admin for a group called American Apparel – Your Outfits, and we’d love to have this added to the
group!

Posted 13 months ago.
( permalink
| delete
)

view profile

neelybat  Pro User 
says:

you are a total babe!

i am a lady, born female, and most of the
time dressing high femme makes me feel
vulnerable, like i don’t have anything to
protect me. but it really is how i am, but
it’s just so mixed up because i have been
punk for 13 years, all m growing up has been
about being tough and boyish. not to say it’s
the same as you, but just know that another
femme is out there fighting with you. xox

Posted 13 months ago.
( permalink
| delete
)

view profile

Kasmeneo  Pro User 
says:

Great outfit, love all the shades of
pink/purple!

Posted 13 months ago.
( permalink
| delete
)

view profile

veridea says:

yay for shorts and tights! love your use of
colour!

Posted 13 months ago.
( permalink
| delete
)

view profile

Violet Folklore  Pro User 
says:

i love how you have accented the amazing
length of your legs with the
shorts/tights/socks! fabulous outfit!!! (;
Sasha

Posted 13 months ago.
( permalink
| delete
)

view profile

Cheeky Minx’s Photo Diary  Pro User 
says:

You are rad

Posted 13 months ago.

kiethmph [deleted] says:

great outfit

Posted 13 months ago.

view profile

Ida Pyl says:

wow – that is an interesting and very nice
mix of colours. Great outfit and nice picture

Posted 13 months ago.

view profile

manon delacroix says:

the colors are so wonderful. i agree–the way
that it all elongates the legs is great. you
look great.

Posted 13 months ago.

view profile

pixelviz  Pro User 
says:

great visual appeal, and daring like !@#$ in
the pink hotpants….
compliments on the color combo, and i can so
relate to your comments about feeling safe vs
feeling in the closet…
i have gotten into so much trouble about
what i wear, even very subtle nailcolor, very
ruinous in jobsituations ….

Posted 11 months ago.

view profile

pixelviz  Pro User 
says:

blogged on my stumble pages

Posted 11 months ago.

Comments
  1. Gabriel says:

    Two things struck me about this. 1, when people dress to match their insides, how good they look. 2, how much that feeling of exhaustion drags on your ability to feel good about yourself.

    I’ve found that I become more femme in times of crisis and stress, as if I start to lean back on a more natural part of my psyche, a bit stripped down of the normalizing behaviors I’ve picked up. I’m battling the discouragement by recognizing the strength in femme and realizing that that strength and confidence are sexy.

    Still, it’s discouraging to get filthy looks or just plain overlooked when you go out. But I tell myself the sexiest people are the ones who don’t mind and can live out anyway. I think that’s something close to integrity. So keep up the fight.

  2. Jasper Gregory says:

    I am back from a trip to Harbin Hotsprings. I hope you did not think I abandoned you all.

    @gabriel The dirty looks suck. But their existence shows we are having an impact. Mab femininity is shocking while Fab Masculinity has become ubiquitous and invisible.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s